Posted by: Brigitte Rozario Post(s) by this blogger
Is it okay to spy on your children? - Photo ©iStockphoto.com/ juanestey
Parents are always worried about their children - who they are friends with, what they are doing and where they are going. While it is important to trust your children, many parents admit to a bit of spying to ensure their kids are safe.
Should parents trust their children completely? Or is a little bit of spying now and then okay?
Elaine Yong
Elaine Yong, lecturer/ developmental psychologist at Sunway University College, says:
In my opinion, it is psychologically healthier for parents to trust their kids. According to the theories, trust between parent and child is formed by the child's first year of life. Through time, the trust becomes a strong foundation for the development of bonding between parent and child. This will explain why a child will automatically gravitate towards his/ her parents rather than any stranger.
Therefore, as the child matures, it is only natural that the parents continue to gain the trust of their child. One way is to adapt one's parenting to accommodate the mental and physical development of the growing child.
As soon as the child is able to comprehend right and wrong, parents should draw clear guidelines of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. These rules will be a foundation for the child to behave in a socially acceptable manner both in and out of the home environment.
Parents should also be reasonable to allow their kids to negotiate these rules. This kind of parent-child relationship encourages a sense of independence and assertiveness in the child. The children will also be better able to manage their emotions and research shows that these benefits are long lasting into adulthood.
On the other hand, parents who believe that it is better to spy on their child will be betraying the basic trust established in the early years. The kids will not likely be willing to volunteer any information about their current love interest or other things to their parents.
As a result, I foresee more parent-child conflicts which will be ongoing and long-lasting especially during the teenage years of the child. Also, the mere act of spying will not educate the child what they should and shouldn't do but will teach them how to avoid getting caught by the parents. Is this the skill that parents want to instil in their young ones?
Aziza A.S., mother of three, says:
As much as I would like to trust my children 100%, I will not allow myself to do so. There are still open spaces of doubt despite "knowing" their friends. Especially when I have teenage kids (19,16 and 14). I still ask my 19-year-old son his whereabouts, etc. I have learnt to read between the lines of their replies ... and work from there.
I do spy on them but not all the time. It's all on a per-case basis. More of motherly instincts in sensing some untold truths and the blessed inborn female intuition put to good use. I don't spy intrusively but I get info from their siblings, friends and sometimes parents of their friends. Reason: We parents can't be totally in the blur. I have learnt from my childhood experience. If only my parents snooped a bit, I wouldn't have made some ugly mistakes growing up and chose wrong kinds of friends. A bit of wise snooping around would have been appreciated later in life.
Of course, it's okay to spy a bit. Just be discreet about it because kids would jump onto the rebellion wagon once they know that they are being spied on - especially by parent/s. We often have to step to their pace so as to get their groove. I prefer to be called a cool mom with a secret mission!
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